For once I wish....

For once I wish my life was black and white.
Because the colors of the chaos make me dizzy.
For once I wish I had no choice.
Because the option of free will make me degrade myself.
For once I wish things were simple.
Because the complexity is making me drowned.
For once I wish there was only you.
Because the others don't even compare.
For once I wish....... I didn't have to think at all.
Because the guilt of my own decisions is overwhelming.

10-12-09

What do you do when the only person you trust for honest help is the one you think you REALLY love? When in your dreams the one who you’re meant to be with is always either your best friend, or the least likely for even a potential date, where do you turn? Too scared to tell anyone the entire story, always leaving out pieces of the puzzle for fear someone might discover the deeper true meaning to it all that you can’t figure out yourself. Too confused about it all and just wanting things to be simple, but yet still striving to convince yourself that it’ll happen. Praying someone would put all the pieces together and see the big picture of the puzzle, but terrified of what they’ll think of you then…. But you never cared what anyone thought before, why now? Perhaps because the answer you’re striving for depends on the love and care of another human being, and you’re freaking out that they won’t love you the same or will want you to change.

10-19-09

I’ve never been the kind of girl for happily ever after. I never ever was the one to wish upon a star. But for someone who’s always been the rule, you sure are my exception. It sounds so cliché, but I really think it’s happened. I think I’ve found my angel, my knight in shining armor. My life was just chaos, but now I understand. You were destined for my love, my silver lining to the messes that I’ve made. You are my stool that I can step upon when I’ve been a fool. I know you must’ve heard this at least one hundred times but you truly are something else, something special, something unique, something all your own. Now for someone like myself, who rarely believes that anything so amazing could really exist, let alone be right in front of me, here you stand with all of your beauty beckoning me. It’s impossible to deny you, but I must own up, you see, I’m afraid you wont find exactly what you’re looking for with a run down girl like me.

11-01-09

I read of pure love.
Dreams of true connection.
Words of souls entwined for eternity.
And endless unexplained tears fill my eyes.
My heart feels torn, each dragging part the opposite way.
Always the same one winning it over in the end.
Why am I tormenting myself?
Why do I not just let it be known that I am already theirs?
Fear…. Rejection….
Is that really all that is stopping me?
The torment self-inflicted shall continue…..

11-04-09

When I want to find the latest trend it’s just a click or a tap away. Instant satisfaction, that’s the way of today. But what happened to good ol’ fashioned tough lovin’ and going out and getting down and dirty? It’s overlooked for instant messaging and who’s on that “Twitter-y”. Call it old school or new, lame or “fab,” what it really is, is the moral differences and lack of appreciation between the “then” and “now” generations. What is it that I am looking for you ask? I’m searching for that other puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit with the rest. The last person left still in touch with their heritage and age old family traditions. Am I looking for perfection? In truth, No. But perfection in my own sense, which includes mistakes, flaws, and all the amazing quirks of finding another person just as crazy as me. But something such as that cannot be searched on Google of found through endless months of I.M.ing on MySpace. True connections that last are those made in the least expected, least convenient, and least logical of ways. Still don’t understand what I mean? Take a visit to your grandparents’ and how they met. Then tell me if you’re still confused….

Mouth Shut

I wish that every word I said didn’t lead to disbelief. That once I open my mouth I’m shattered with my pain and grief. Why can’t I utter a word without every idea I provide be shot down and murdered in its prime? Don’t I hold the divine right to have a voice? As a woman, as a leader of tomorrow, as a human being? Don’t I have a choice to hold my own opinion? My words do not pierce the hearts of my audience as if they were my victims, for if they did I’d surely be aware of those intentions. My voice is quiet and timid in majority and comparison to those that shout above my own. They blast, and yell, and holler like it is a 24/7 at who can be the loudest. So what is the lesson I must learn? I am TOO different, therefore “the majority will strive,” just like father always said, and I must let myself be oppressed and not conform, but adapt to holding my tongue at least while they still see me as inexperienced and young. Forced to keep my mouth shut before I cause a war until I can release my voice behind my own closed door.

Streams of Unconsciousness #1 & #2

Stream of unconsciousness #1

Why do I cry now? No obvious source of pain lingers. More often rivers of my tears flow lately. Compressed darkness brings me my relief and comfort now. The voices are faint, distant, disoriented, and disconnected in my mind as loved ones attempt to soothe my sorrows. I do not know why. As I dig deeper something pulls at the corner of my mind, and also at my heart. Emotions of love, longing, adoration, envy, and hate indulge me simultaneously. But since these changes go unnoticed in my surroundings I assume it is nothing, but as I let my mind wander and be free while I read of soul mates, vampires, witches, and werewolves I feel an unbearably painful connection ripping at my heart which is too crazy even for my own self to question its connection and existence. I do not know why. Am I being warned? Should I remember this from a past life? Is it my destiny trying to unveil itself? I do not know, and I do not know why.

Stream of unconsciousness #2

You know this, I love you. Only I know that I’m IN love with you. I’ve attempted to explain my feelings to you, and you seemed to understand. You are my crutch, my passion, my best friend, my lover, the complete packet all your own. We have an entirely different level of relationship all our own. Our closeness, our comfort, our understanding, our desire, our love are all unexplainable and incomparable. But there’s something I feel is missing that I don’t think you feel the same about at all. Call me selfish, but I want MORE. Unique as we are, I’ll never have that corner of you, which longs for your female mate to gaze up at the moon with. Is this my punishment from a past life? Did I hurt you so badly that now I must suffer by you not wanting all of me as I want all of you? I dare not risk scaring you or driving you away, especially now in my weakest and most chaotic days, by telling you any of this. So alas I submerse myself in false hopes and wrong loves, praying, hoping, maybe someday you’ll relieve my pain and want me as I want you….